The Road to Sexy
by PureWaterLily
Summary: All those in favor of Dark!Naruto, Sexy!Hinata, Cute!Sakura, and Playboy!Sasuke, raise your hands. Movie spoilerific.


A/N: Procrastination fic (sorry guys, I've been working on those updates!).

All I can say is... I'm excited for this movie. You're excited for this movie. Let's all spit out some nonsensical crap in our time of impatience for the stupid Road to Ninja movie to get subbed.

* * *

In one world, a girl is, once again, trying for her hundredth sabotaged confession.

"N-Naruto-kun," Hinata stutters, fidgeting. "I... I...lo-"

"Hey, Naruto! There's a new ramen flavor out!"

"Really?! Oh man, sorry Hinata-chan, hold that thought."

Two seconds later, Hinata faces a dust cloud, and she kneels to the ground in an agonized OTL.

.

In another...

A girl smirks, running one hand down his naked, fine-toned chest, the other hand yanking the Uzumaki's wild black hair like reins.

"You think you can handle me, badboy?" Hinata breathes along his neck, her eyes running dangerous, threatening veins, before she hooks a long slender leg across his waist.

* * *

In one world,

"Sasuke-kun! Come back, please!" Sakura cries, collapsing to her knees as tears streak down her face.

.

In another...

"_My fair lady_." Sasuke playfully smirks, as he withdraws a rose from thin air and presents it to his love. "Good morning to you too."

Sakura doesn't blink, only slams shut her apartment door.

"What, what, why so cold, _baby_." Sasuke mocks hurt.

Rolling her eyes, Sakura opens her door again, then slaps onto his face their mission scroll. "We're Japanese. Stop inserting English words at random intervals in a futile effort to sound cool."

"But _mia cara_!" he protests.

"Nor Italian. And for the last time, I'm dating your brother!"

* * *

In one world...

In a heroic scoop and hurricane of water, Sakura finds herself wrapped protectively in familiar arms.

Naruto smiles brightly.

"Don't worry, Sakura-chan! We'll get through this together!"

.

In another...

The figure uncovers his mask, and chuckles. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the Fourth's legacy, all grown up."

"You won't get away with this. I won't let you." Sakura swallows hard, much stiffer in her defensive kata than she would like.

A dark spiral orb of chakra appears in his palm, and in a tone void of humor, "You're in the way."

* * *

In one world...

"What the hell, Sasuke!" Naruto demands, after setting Sakura back down on solid ground. "Sakura's part of the team. You don't attack teammates."

Sasuke only withdraws his katana. "Idiotic as always."

.

In another...

"What the hell, Menma!" Sasuke shouts, dodging the forth or fifth attack on him, while Sakura bombards Menma with weapons in vain. "If you kill me now, the romantic tension in this series is gone. Then the fangirls would stop reading, and no one would even give a crap about your diabolical plot anymore."

"Will you just stand still and die, moron."

* * *

In one world...

The Akatsuki is awesome.

.

In another...

Still awesome.

* * *

If the two worlds collide...

"Okay, we have a problem here," Hinata's counterpart clicks her tongue disdainfully, a hand on her hips. Meanwhile, the real Hinata shrinks into a corner.

With a sadistic grin, the counterpart takes a kunai and gives it a lustful lick. Hinata squeals, and snaps shut her eyes, cowering into her arms, as slash after slash crosses her body.

By the time the kunai is put away, Hinata looks down to see all her clothes shredded on the ground, sans her undergarments. "GYAAAH," she screams, face flushed red.

The counterpart examines her work, and lowers her eyelids. "Much better."

* * *

If the two worlds collide...

Naruto points accusingly at his double. "You-!"

Menma pockets his hands and gives a spiraling grin. "I what? I am better? I am evil? I kill your little pathetic ideology and turn you into the biggest hypocrite in existence? I'm everything you're scared of becoming?"

Naruto uncharacteristically buries his face in his hand. "No, you look like a Fusion-Ha! of Sasuke and me."

The audience murmurs in concurrence.

"Or their bastard child!" someone suggests.

"SasuNaru WHOOO~!" cheers the fanclub.

* * *

If the two worlds collide...

"Okay... our father is a Kage. We're predisposed with good shinobi genes. So what the hell happened to you," Sakura's counterpart confronts, frowning a pout. "You're _pathetic_."

Sakura bangs her head on the desk. "I know."

Her counterpart pats her head sympathetically.

* * *

If the two worlds collide...

"You're pathetic," Sasuke deadpans, his sword directed at his double.

"_I'm_ pathetic?" Sasuke vers. 2.0 scoffs. "I'm not the one who's dying a virgin. Doing a _real_ good job with the clan reviving there."

The Mangekyou spins. And to counter one of the most deadly doujutsus in existence, Sasuke vers. 2.0 readies a handsign.

"Fangirl-no-jutsu!"

On cue, a hundred or so women come and surround him in squeals… who are suppose to protect him from a Susano'o smoldered with black flames and hatred and everything sinister? Hm.

"_That_'s your attack?"

"Oh no, this is the audience," Sasuke vers. 2.0 replies with a lady under each arm. "My _attack _is, ahem, NII-SAN, HELP ME!"

* * *

If the two worlds collide...

"NII-SAN, HELP ME!"

Itachi sets down his tea, and asks his very-much alive counterpart, "That one yours?"

"Little brothers. You know how they are," his counterpart says, finishing the last of his tea before readying for his leave.

"Mentally unstable?"

A sigh. "Worse. Horny."

"Ah."

And then, both worlds exploded from the implausibility of it all.

The end.


End file.
